Talk the Talk, Walk the Walk

So this is hard to write about, but I think it is something I should share, maybe for the mom out there who is in the same spot, or the mom who thinks she is alone.

At 16 months my toddler was still not verbalizing, saying mama, or other words without severe coaxing. And while him saying "kee caa" (kitty cat) was adorable, it's really about all he was saying... Also to boot, not wanting to eat anything but smooth like cream pureed foods. I wouldn't have worried or gotten overly concerned about it, but because I have worked with a large variety of children, I began to notice my child was not on target with weaning off the bottle, eating solids (giving our best efforts) and eventually refusing to verbalize much at all.

I talked to the doc, my hubby, parents, mother in law etc... and everyone said he's still so young, and the old myth that boys do not talk as quickly as girls. I listened to my doc, who said, if by 18 months he still wasn't saying sound words without coaxing that we would consider Early Intervention. At 17 months, I got on the waiting list for EI, just in case.

I asked my kids doc about autism, she said she highly doubted that could be the root of the problem, because he takes good direction, but before a child is 3 autism is still hard to determine. So thankfully PA has a program called Early Intervention, free to PA and NJ residents, and they offer different kinds of therapies for children who are showing a 25% delay in one or more areas of development. I was lucky that several moms in the area who I became friends with suggested this to me.

Everyone of course gave me crap about it, telling me I was worrying too much, or looking for something wrong, but trust me, it's WAY easier to ignore a problem, then to listen to what your inner momdome tells you. But now that my toddler is around the corner of 20 months and still having problems swallowing water out of a sippy cup, and talking, no one is scolding me anymore. They realize my intuition was right, that I was right to take measures to help my child. While Ben is a very smart little man in many areas, I had read about something in What to expect the second year which is explained as underdeveloped mouth muscles. This made sense. Problems eating, choking on his sippy (to the point of gagging and sometimes vomiting), and the talking issue. After talking to the therapists who came in to do the evaluation, that was their conclusion. To get him physical therapy for the eating and gagging problems, and to have another therapist come in to help me think of ways to get him talking, or at least exploring sounds more.

I think the hardest part, and something I urge parents not to do, is if your child is experiencing developmental delays, do NOT compare your children to other children. Which is SO hard. It's not competitive, it's just wanting your child to be on target, normal. As I have mentioned in other blogs of mine, I have a sore spot for this, because as a kid, I scored very low on standardized tests as a child, I was tested for ADD (I tested negative) but I was never up to snuff with my sister in areas of study. I was a C kid in many areas, except for art. But to this day, I am very insecure about my abilities in math, spelling and even my basic memory. As a child I always felt less than the other kids in my school who were on the honor roll, or got special acknowledgements in the yearbook for their academic achievements. Not that ANY of that matters now, but it did for me then, and I cringe at the idea of my child struggling academically, or in any area, mostly cause I simply do not want him to feel like he is stupid, like I did. It's a selfish insecurity, but it's mine, and because I was made to believe I wasn't as smart as other children, I hate to think other people will look at my child, and say negative things about his abilities too. We live in a harsh and competitive world unfortunately were skills aren't always viewed as important as academic or worldly intelligence. But that's another blog, and mostly my own gripes with the system of job hunting etc...

What sucked is that I am not actually a competitive mom, but often when I talked to other people about their kids, or grand kids, I got the feeling they were bragging. Of course most of that is my imagination and insecurities, but it was also so hard for me to hear how their kids were exploring food, things that Ben wouldn't have placed in his mouth for all the cookies in the world.  I would actually cry when I would put him down for a nap, thinking of all the other kids his age who could talk, sing, point out ABC's. I felt like a failure to my kid. And my insecurities wreaked havoc on my mind. But thankfully what I did realize was that, these moms had every right in the book to brag about their kids, and of course never held it against them. And thankfully none of them were saying rude or stupid things to me like, "Oh... he's not doing that?" which is the WORST thing you can say to a mom whose kid isn't reaching certain milestones.

Bottom line, my feelings were right, Ben has underdeveloped mouth muscles, and is extreemly sensitive to textures. These underdeveloped mouth muscles basically need to get stronger. Figuring out things to do with him to help this has been tricky. But I started with different kinds of foods, texture wise mostly. It was tough, getting him to actually PUT these new things in his mouth a bit of a challenge, and yes lots of mini tantrums... lol. Thankfully I will say this about my boy, he is one mellow little cucumber, and calms down quickly from an upset. So that was always a help. 

The other struggle has been to move from the bottle to the sippy all together, because he still gaggs quite severly on his cup. And making sure he's able to get enough fluids because of that.

One major thing I have learned through all this is, if your kid isn't doing what you see other kids doing, don't beat yourself up, or worry. You should consider averages and statistics, but always keep in mind each child is unique, and develops differently. Since we started EI I have met many other parents using their sevices, who tell me similar stories. So I hope one day this will all be a distant memory. For now it's very real, and for a while was very hard on me. I felt like a failure. My kid couldn't sip from a sippy cut without asperating, but this isn't my fault. If there is a physical problem, then what can you do?

And if you are on the other end, where your child is reaching all their milestones, try very hard to be considerate of other peoples kids who might not be doing all the things your child is doing, and stick your foot in your mouth. Being a mommy is a sensitive thing, I don't know one mom who at some point worries if they are a good mom, so encouragement is really good for friends who might be struggling with developemental delays. I am lucky in that I have had a wonderful support of friends and peers who have been very uplifting in their words to me, and advice. 

What we are working on currently is mouth control, working those underdeveloped muscles in his mouth. It's hard, he mouths everything in the house, and still drools all the time because he doesn't have adequate control of his mouth. He is trying very hard however, and I am happy that I reached out when I knew something was not okay. I could also feel my child too was dealing with the frustration of understanding more than he could say. We went from no sippy to drinking out of his straw cup every breakfast, lunch and dinner, we went from no chunks in his food, no sticky anything, to sweet potatoes and honey mashed with a fork, and pasta stars in his veggie beef mix, and sometimes even french toast in the mornings! So the idea here parents, don't give up. Whatever area your child may be delayed in, don't give up. I am very grateful to Bens physical therapist, she gives great suggestions, wonderful ideas, and plenty of encouragement. Never makes me feel like I am doing something wrong, just examines new ways we can do what we are doing to progress the eating, and strengthen those muscles so that Ben can become more comfortable making new sounds, and so he can actually make the sounds he wants to make.

Another thing if you choose to have your child evaluated, is to also really focus on their talents. Ben was diagnosed with very advanced fine motor skills, so we got him a latch board, and let him explore with small items, as long as they don't go in the mouth, lol. He's very into how things work, drawing, and so much more. And because I can boast just like the next parents, it's exciting that he knows his shapes and colors by name. He listens when we tell him no, most the time, knows how to take very good direction, and is over all a very happy little man. Anyone who meets him says, he's the happiest baby they've ever met.

I have taken alot of time to read other mothers blogs about toddlers and children with autism, and other developmental delays, it's truly inspiring to read the real lives about these other mothers who are fine and completely live with challenges every day. While all of Bens therapists at this point say they do not worry this could be an issue, it's important to also understand that kids this young cannot be diagnosed, and that children who are extremely intelligent can still have autism.

 I feel like I used to get bent out of shape over the dumbest things, and now I feel like I could handle anything. Sometimes having a baby, also helps us grow up, and develop in ways we wouldn't have normally. So I feel whatever the future holds, I know I will love my child the very same way I do right now, and the amazing thing about being a mother, you learn how much you can take on, even when you didn't think you could.

Asking hard questions and getting answers is important if in your gut you feel something isn't right. You want to block the problem head on, and make sure there are answers to come to a solution, which to me, makes you a better parent for really getting involved. My husband didn't like it at first cause he felt like I was saying there was something wrong with our kid. And all I said was, we just want to make sure there won't be anything to worry about. You don't want to get to two or three years old, only to find out there is a learning issue you could have been helping your child for over a year.