Being in PA has been a very interesting and good experience for me. When I first moved from the big apple to get married, and started a family, it was all very hard, strange, scary and emotionally strange for me. I wanted so desperately make friends, when I wasn't in the right frame of mind to do so... I felt like a fish out water for a long time, completely misunderstood, and pretty much felt everything I did got twisted... Then I went through the upheaval of a rough pregnancy, a slew if misdiagnosis, and hormonal imbalance for a year after delivering. Oh not to mention the hormonal imbalance we go through during the pregnancy to boot, lol...
Moving to PA couldn't have been a better change. Although I was nervous for the move, it was exactly what I needed. Being so close to so many farms that practice natural and organic growing, eating seasonally, and truly enjoying the camaraderie of other mothers in the area. It took me a while to feel comfortable letting myself be a part of something, making friends, and growing connections. Letting my guard down with the knowledge I could have been rejected again was very difficult, but I worked hard not to make mistakes of the past, and letting my paranoia win out. It has been uplifting to know people want to be my friends, instead of people just putting up with me.
And I can't say I was the most pleasant person, because I wasn't. And I wasn't doing anything for myself to feel better. Nothing truly good was going in, or coming out. And that is what this year is all about for me. Cleansing, finding answers, getting better, and regaining my inner strength and over all happiness. I have made some pretty concrete resolutions, and to kick them all off, the major thing was making a permanent change in my diet.
Last year, I started to eat a diet consisting primarily of vegan meals. Limiting my intake of animal fats and proteins to every weekend. The results were pretty drastic. My mood, my fatigue, my digestive pains, pretty much gone. Now I can't say that going vegan is the cure all for a life time of diagnosed depression and anxiety, but not only did I notice the change, but others around me noticed too. Instead of wallowing in my frustrations day after day, I let it out with a close friend who I know I can trust, and work out the kinks in my head. Before my depressed mood swings could last weeks... or longer.The other thing I struggled with was being tired ALL the time, and not tired cause I was depressed, TIRED, like I had been in some hustle with a wrestler tired. I felt like passing out all the time, literally... But this was nothing completely new, I had dealt with this kind of thing since childhood in fact. And my teachers and peers thought I was on drugs because I would literally pass out in class, and there wasn't much I could do about it. I had poor sleep at night, and when I would get home from school I had no choice but to nap.
To me sleep is SO vastly important. Never in my life have I woken up with that refreshed feeling. They say getting sleep is like the "reset" mode on your personal controller, but that was the problem... I wasn't getting "reset." As I got older and graduated college, my life continued on with wrestles sleep, lucid dreams, and chronic fatigue was not only hard, but didn't help the way I dealt with my day to day stresses, and conflicts. My whole life I had tried, cutting back on caffeine, cutting OUT caffeine all together, working out, yoga, meditating before bed... But I was always tired... It made it hard for me to focus, or at times think clearly. It was really and truly like living in a fog. And I don't know how I managed for 31 years like that. But for most of my life that's how it was. Now it got worse during my pregnancy, and then AFTER the birth forget it, I could barely keep my eye open some days... For over a year after Ben was born that is how I felt. Not only THAT, but I was constantly dizzy (seeing stars), light flashes where I would have to stop every thing I was doing because I couldn't see anything but white, and at times felt my legs would buckle underneath me when I would get up in the mornings, it was truly horrible and scary. I would be driving and have to pull over cause I would start to see flashes. I would work out, eat what I thought was good for me, but feel no change. Then this past year it was worse, my digestive problems went from bad to worse, as I would continue to eat what I felt was healthy, only to be in serious pain. So I made the changes slowly. Seeing a lot of results through the week, eating lots of raw and vegan meals, but when I would resume eating cheese, beef, eggs, etc... I felt tired, irritable, and bloated ALL over again...
So during the holidays I promised myself, NO more, I want to feel good ALL the time, not just Monday through Friday. So now the only things I eat (meat and animal fat wise) are the occasional fresh Salmon, and or seafood. But have completely cut out animal fats, with the exception of my awesome Greek yogurt dip that goes SO well with my vegan quinoa burgers... or a condiment size portion of something, like a sprinkle of cheese on a salad, but to be honest I don't really bother with even that... But since I started going 100% vegan except for fish, at beginning of this year, I already lost all the holiday weight I gained eating all the wrong stuff. And I am starting to feel amazing more often then not.
Now I can't lie, I still get tired, but that is because I am a night owl, I stay up late painting, and get up early to take care of my child, do tons of activities and chores throughout the day, including cooking and painting, and so yes I am still going to be tired, but never to where I just can't function tired. With all this extra energy I can keep going, working on the things that matter to me (which is also a big key to a happier me), and ACTUALLY waking up BEFORE my child! Taking a shower, having a cup of coffee, and starting my days right, which I was never able to do before. I gotta say it's a first. Before I was never able to move before I would hear him cry, and sometimes I couldn't even get up right away to get him I was SO lethargic. It was a serious problem I am happy that is no longer...
Continuing to eat a primarily vegan based diet has changed my heart, my self-esteem and my life. I can't say I am perfect, but I strive to learn from mistakes, and remember for every down I feel, there is an upswing waiting to happen.
I respect everyone rights to eat what they want, I do not look down on others who eat dairy, eggs, chicken, beef or pork. If that diet works for you, and makes you feel like wonder woman, I say do it. But if you don't feel wonderful, or struggle with a LOT of the symptoms I described, I urge you to give it a month. One month of eating less animal proteins, and just see if it helps. If it doesn't well you tried something new, and opened your heart and mind to a new challenge, which makes you (in my book) a stronger and wiser person). And trying is a big step to finding out what will get you feeling like a super woman too.
I am so thankful to my little Benjamin who is now 2 and 4 months old. He is my rock, and the biggest reason I chose to do this. There would be days when I would be so tired, depressed, or dealing with digestive problems and I couldn't be the mother I wanted to be. I feel I am finally getting there. Being a mother changes your life, but you don't have to let it change you for the worse. You can let it change you for the better. Our children are born into this world as blank canvases waiting for strokes of paint to make them a whole person. I think we too should learn to make new strokes on our own canvases, and change the bigger picture to make it something our children want to look at, and respect. And that's just what I want my changes to improve. The overall picture of my life. When I am 50 I want to be able to look back and say I gave things my all. Not just my half...
I hope this New Years proves to be a wonderful transformation for any mother or woman dealing with her own personal struggles, and finding new unique and daring ways to make life work the way you want it to. No mother is perfect, but your child thinks you are, and in 18 years when my little man walks into the real world, I hope he knows that knowledge is a lifelong challenge. Not something that comes from 4 years of college, having a successful job, or a fantastic career in the Military, I want him to know that knowledge comes from living your life, experimenting, putting yourself out there, being completely open, being completely humble, making mistakes and being completely non-judgemental of others opinions, because we all have freedom of speech, and that no one should ever let you feel wrong for being yourself or going against the grain, and saying that the world is round not square, because you never know... Like Columbus, you might just be right...
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