Introduction:
I am proud of a few things in my life, but the one thing I am proud of IS being a decent mother and listening to my instincts and my child. When my boy was 15 months old I noticed certain quirks and delays. NO ONE, and I mean NO ONE, for a very long while (except for the therapists) saw what I was talking about. This is my story, one of many moms with children who have fought through challenges with their child, and continue the good fight. I wanted to write this, because I think people are often in the closet and or denial that anything is amiss, and have misconceptions of what it means to have a child with "special needs." The truth is, the longer you wait to get proper services for your child, the harder it will be for your child to overcome such challenges, you are doing a disservice to yourself and your child. There is no shame in admitting or having a child with special needs, there are LOADS of different things that can go on in a childs life where they may need special therapies. In fact I think most the adults I know have special needs... lol... It does not mean your child cannot lead a normal life, be successful, happy, or that anything is actually wrong. Your child doesn't have to be on the autism spectrum either to benefit from Occupational or speech therapy. There are different kinds of sensory and perception needs that children require a little extra help for that have nothing to do with ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder), but could be related to other delays or neurological conditions like Apraxia and Dyspraxia. I even met a woman whose child suffered with an eye condition that a general eye exam did not pick up on for several years. This mother was perplexed why her daughter didn't want to climb things, or participate in gym type activities. Why a large store was overwhelming for her, till she went to a different kind of eye doctor. And finally got the correct services she need to help her daughter with depth perception.
I think what is so daunting for most parents is going through the motions, they just never make that first step because it's easier to just keep saying, "they'll grow out of it", or "Kids get there on their own time" And I get it, every child is different.. some kids DO get there on their own time, but some don't, some never do, and they will certainly never get there if you just ignore the problems... Other parents don't do it cause the work involved is completely overwhelming, the appointments, IEP meetings, taking kids to and from therapy, being home for therapy sessions... the frustrations of missing appointments... I personally had no clue where to start, so this is how it all happened from start to now. How I started reaching out for support and services for my amazing son who has high functioning Autism and Dyspraxia.
I am proud of a few things in my life, but the one thing I am proud of IS being a decent mother and listening to my instincts and my child. When my boy was 15 months old I noticed certain quirks and delays. NO ONE, and I mean NO ONE, for a very long while (except for the therapists) saw what I was talking about. This is my story, one of many moms with children who have fought through challenges with their child, and continue the good fight. I wanted to write this, because I think people are often in the closet and or denial that anything is amiss, and have misconceptions of what it means to have a child with "special needs." The truth is, the longer you wait to get proper services for your child, the harder it will be for your child to overcome such challenges, you are doing a disservice to yourself and your child. There is no shame in admitting or having a child with special needs, there are LOADS of different things that can go on in a childs life where they may need special therapies. In fact I think most the adults I know have special needs... lol... It does not mean your child cannot lead a normal life, be successful, happy, or that anything is actually wrong. Your child doesn't have to be on the autism spectrum either to benefit from Occupational or speech therapy. There are different kinds of sensory and perception needs that children require a little extra help for that have nothing to do with ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder), but could be related to other delays or neurological conditions like Apraxia and Dyspraxia. I even met a woman whose child suffered with an eye condition that a general eye exam did not pick up on for several years. This mother was perplexed why her daughter didn't want to climb things, or participate in gym type activities. Why a large store was overwhelming for her, till she went to a different kind of eye doctor. And finally got the correct services she need to help her daughter with depth perception.
I think what is so daunting for most parents is going through the motions, they just never make that first step because it's easier to just keep saying, "they'll grow out of it", or "Kids get there on their own time" And I get it, every child is different.. some kids DO get there on their own time, but some don't, some never do, and they will certainly never get there if you just ignore the problems... Other parents don't do it cause the work involved is completely overwhelming, the appointments, IEP meetings, taking kids to and from therapy, being home for therapy sessions... the frustrations of missing appointments... I personally had no clue where to start, so this is how it all happened from start to now. How I started reaching out for support and services for my amazing son who has high functioning Autism and Dyspraxia.
GETTING HELP EARLY IS KEY:
Starting early with my child was key, and what most of the professionals who have observed him, or worked with him, and evaluated him have also seen are the benefits of early intervention. The therapies he got in that second year really aided him, and he now speaks up to par with children his own age, if not even a little better. Some people have said, "well he may have gotten there on his own" but I do not feel that way at all... It was a labor of love working on his speech, working through tears and tantrums to help him communicate better. Both his father and I were very diligent in our quest to have him speak. Because often what happens are major problems from children with speech delays, or who cannot speak ever, and become non verbal. They get completely frustrated that they cannot communicate their needs and feelings, and the backlash can be anything from biting, hair pulling, throwing, and even self inflicted pain... Ignoring delays can be detrimental to your child, depending on where your child is on the spectrum, ignoring signs can in fact effect the rest of their life. I have seen it myself, with children who didn't get help till they were 7 or 10 years old. This like music, movement, outdoor play, group (social) activities and focused actives are important to keep up with on a weekly and daily basis. These things are important really for any and every child, and it's been said by the board of education that real quality play time is more important than regimented classes and extracurricular activities. Children learn more about the world, words, what things do, how to talk about things they have seen and done through the true art of play. This doesn't mean allowing junior to sit on the floor and play by himself while your are off reading a book or watching TV. It's getting down on the floor WITH your child, talking to them, giving them a literary illustration of what is going on, and showing them pretend play with dolls, action figures, creating dialogue, toy animals (making sounds with them), having a "picnic," taking them to the kitchen and have them "help" you cook, showing them how things work together, building blocks, legos, board games, the list goes on and on. And making sure you vocalize and explain what is going on. I will give more examples of this later on in another blog, activities that will help any child blossom and explore their world. It can improve speech, cognitive development and build those social skills. Although the child with ASD may not always sit right there and do activities with you, it's important they see how things are made, and will often run off and come back, and this is alright. You are building skills, and interest whether it seems like it or not. Even if you are hand over fist helping them, that's okay to do. As long as they are enjoying the activity, they are gaining positive exposure from it. And never give up. Even if it seems you are doing ALL the work of the craft or activity, trust me, it's doing something, it's adding to their lives, and the feel the love you want to give them.
My son was almost a year old when we moved from Augusta GA (where I had had no car or way to really socialize much) although at 6 months I did sign him up for a basic Kindermusic class, which was great! But when we moved to PA he was involved with things every single day just about. I finally had a car, and took my son to lots of social events like Gymboree classes, Gymboree "free play" where he was exposed to many children, and playdates through a large group of mothers called MOYO, (Mothers of York County that I found on Meetup.com) and I would get together with other moms one on one for playdates about 2 times a week, among other activities, like gymnastics, farm tours, ice cream factory tours, children's museums, arts and craft time for the children... just to name a few things, and of course playtime and art at home, and regular visits to parks and playgrounds.
As the months wore on I started to notice a few things of concern compared to the other children. Some people thought I was being dramatic, over worried, and told me he'd grow out of it, or catch up in his own time. Not my ex husband, not my parents, not my in laws, no one thought anything was different about my son Benny, or that I need worry about it. I was seriously concerned with his lack of consistent eye contact with me, to the point that when he WOULD make the eye contact with me, there was something unsettling about it. It was so uncommon, I was shocked when he would... Some people felt my concerns were stemmed from my clinical depression and anxiety, they felt my concerns were linked to my own personal afflictions, which is another story...
I hope when I write this, people realize my family is wonderful and supportive, that this is not a HIT to any of them at all, but this is an honest depiction of what I dealt with, and what others go through as well. Most times, family, friends and husbands are the last to see or admit that anything is different at first.
GETTING SUPPORT:
I wasn't alone though, people who took my concerns to heart were my other stay at home mommy friends, and friends who have known me for years... Who were SO supportive, even though they didn't see exactly what I was talking about all the time, they also realized they weren't with him as much as I was (as was no one else, including his father who worked 50-60 hours a week). My friends in PA told me if I was really concerned to get a hold of Early Intervention in PA, and pointed me in the right direction to help my son get the services he needed to grow through his challenges. It was heartbreaking and frustrating to read books about what to expect for his age, and other child development books written by teams of professionals, only to realize my instincts and observations were merited, but having no one else see what I was seeing. Yes all children are different, but there are certain similarities that should be happening by month and by year, these are called "averages". I've worked too long as a child care facilitator not to acknowledge this fact. If your child isn't meeting those averages, I highly encourage talking to your pediatrician, and keeping a close eye on whether or not it changes. At around 17-18 months, your pediatrician can offer a round of questions to ask upon YOUR request. Remember, the pediatrician is NOT your mom, and will not say to you "Hey... Honey something seems a little off about kiddo" you HAVE to be the one to take the jump and ask for the questionnaire. Depending on the results they will refer you to a program like Babies Can't Wait, or Early Intervention, where they will come to your home, to do a free assessment. THAT'S right. Free... there is nothing to lose. Most states that I know of offer state funded help to those whose children who are having delays.
I am also writing this because this is a mommy blog, and people don't know the real struggle emotionally that mothers go through who deal with what I too went through. And more often than not, parents who see delays do not immediately get the understanding and acceptance from other family members or spousal support that something serious is going on. At first glance, most kids on a higher functioning plane do not seem like they would be any different, so that is why I urge moms and dads out there who have questions or concerns as early as 14-15 months to really explore those feelings and always believe in your parents guide. What is your "parents guide?" Its that little part of you as a parent that gives you a little warning, a nagging feeling you cannot shake... Intuition. Some people didn't believe any of the therapists I was seeing for our child, and said they were state workers, and if they didn't find problems with kids they'd be out of a job... However, that's simply not true, and I would like to write a whole article on how this isn't true, and how hard it is NOW to even get services with things like Babies Can't Wait and Early Intervention. Kids have to meet a certain number of delays to even be eligible because there are so many parents who feel their kids need help. My child had delays in 3 areas... The delays have to be significant enough to even qualify for these free services. I've met people who have said similar things, people question the system, but we must understand, they have these degrees and professions for a reason. Even when the child psychologist sits there and tells you straight up your son has high functioning autism, it's something hard to absorb. It was especially hard with Benny, because most the time, even now, he IS an average little boy. It's still hard sometimes for people to see it...
GETTING DAD ON BOARD, THE STRUGGLE ON YOUR MARRIAGE:
However, my qualifications as a childcare facilitator are about 50 miles wide, I have worked with all kinds of children, in all kinds of settings for over 20 years, so it didn't take long for me to figure out, my child wasn't the average baby.
As the months wore on I started to notice a few things of concern compared to the other children. Some people thought I was being dramatic, over worried, and told me he'd grow out of it, or catch up in his own time. Not my ex husband, not my parents, not my in laws, no one thought anything was different about my son Benny, or that I need worry about it. I was seriously concerned with his lack of consistent eye contact with me, to the point that when he WOULD make the eye contact with me, there was something unsettling about it. It was so uncommon, I was shocked when he would... Some people felt my concerns were stemmed from my clinical depression and anxiety, they felt my concerns were linked to my own personal afflictions, which is another story...
I hope when I write this, people realize my family is wonderful and supportive, that this is not a HIT to any of them at all, but this is an honest depiction of what I dealt with, and what others go through as well. Most times, family, friends and husbands are the last to see or admit that anything is different at first.
GETTING SUPPORT:
I wasn't alone though, people who took my concerns to heart were my other stay at home mommy friends, and friends who have known me for years... Who were SO supportive, even though they didn't see exactly what I was talking about all the time, they also realized they weren't with him as much as I was (as was no one else, including his father who worked 50-60 hours a week). My friends in PA told me if I was really concerned to get a hold of Early Intervention in PA, and pointed me in the right direction to help my son get the services he needed to grow through his challenges. It was heartbreaking and frustrating to read books about what to expect for his age, and other child development books written by teams of professionals, only to realize my instincts and observations were merited, but having no one else see what I was seeing. Yes all children are different, but there are certain similarities that should be happening by month and by year, these are called "averages". I've worked too long as a child care facilitator not to acknowledge this fact. If your child isn't meeting those averages, I highly encourage talking to your pediatrician, and keeping a close eye on whether or not it changes. At around 17-18 months, your pediatrician can offer a round of questions to ask upon YOUR request. Remember, the pediatrician is NOT your mom, and will not say to you "Hey... Honey something seems a little off about kiddo" you HAVE to be the one to take the jump and ask for the questionnaire. Depending on the results they will refer you to a program like Babies Can't Wait, or Early Intervention, where they will come to your home, to do a free assessment. THAT'S right. Free... there is nothing to lose. Most states that I know of offer state funded help to those whose children who are having delays.
I am also writing this because this is a mommy blog, and people don't know the real struggle emotionally that mothers go through who deal with what I too went through. And more often than not, parents who see delays do not immediately get the understanding and acceptance from other family members or spousal support that something serious is going on. At first glance, most kids on a higher functioning plane do not seem like they would be any different, so that is why I urge moms and dads out there who have questions or concerns as early as 14-15 months to really explore those feelings and always believe in your parents guide. What is your "parents guide?" Its that little part of you as a parent that gives you a little warning, a nagging feeling you cannot shake... Intuition. Some people didn't believe any of the therapists I was seeing for our child, and said they were state workers, and if they didn't find problems with kids they'd be out of a job... However, that's simply not true, and I would like to write a whole article on how this isn't true, and how hard it is NOW to even get services with things like Babies Can't Wait and Early Intervention. Kids have to meet a certain number of delays to even be eligible because there are so many parents who feel their kids need help. My child had delays in 3 areas... The delays have to be significant enough to even qualify for these free services. I've met people who have said similar things, people question the system, but we must understand, they have these degrees and professions for a reason. Even when the child psychologist sits there and tells you straight up your son has high functioning autism, it's something hard to absorb. It was especially hard with Benny, because most the time, even now, he IS an average little boy. It's still hard sometimes for people to see it...
GETTING DAD ON BOARD, THE STRUGGLE ON YOUR MARRIAGE:
Sadly, from every mother I've talked to, who has a son or daughter with special needs, it's mostly fathers who have a harder time accepting something is different. Not always the case, but it is a stereotype, but that's the truth, and it's my truth. I even remember a conversation with my sons dad where he said "there's nothing wrong with our son." And what I said was "I'm not saying anything is wrong, what I'm saying is he's not meeting averages." Unfortuantely that's why a MANY marriages with kids in special needs situations wind up in divorce, it creates a rift that either brings you together, or pushes you apart. I know people it's brought together, but my marriage was far from perfect before, so having the extra stress, and him not agreeing with my findings, made for a lot of extra arguments.
"Psychology Today published a related article in July 2013. The author, Alysia Abbott, the mother of a child with autism, describes how frequently she came across the statistic that 80% of parents of children with autism divorce. Her interviews with other parents in this article highlight the stresses and challenges many families feel, but also the support that many couples can offer each other."
Not all marriage suffer, but statistically more often than not it puts strain on the marriage, so stay strong. It's hard for both parents to be on the same page all the time, even in a healthy marriage it's hard. Which is why if you are a mother, with a doubting father (or vice versa), it's even more important to stand your ground, and hold tight for a while until they see it too. My child is doing better now because I did fight tooth and nail to give him what I feel in my heart he needed. And now that his father is on board, he will have a better chance at succeeding past a lot of his challenges, because he too will be seeking out services for our child. I have perfect strangers in my situation, therapists, child psychologists, and teachers who tell me how great he is doing, because I got him the services so early. That is a HUGE ego boost, to know I made the right choices for my child at an early 17 months, and that I found enough confidence to believe in myself and my findings. It's why most people can't tell he has any afflictions. In fact this past October, while trick or treating, a young father of two was going door to door with us, and when I mentioned my son has HFA he was surprised, and said he never would have known. I told him, most people don't. Some of this is because he IS so high functioning, but also because we have worked so diligently with him, and getting him in special classes for socialization. Socializing him, working on speech, helping him work though social awkwardness, and for me learning to speak his language. My child is beautiful, smart, adorable and amazing. His progress has soared because of the therapy, and schooling he has gotten over the last 3 years. Over this summer it was hard, because he went 3-4 months without services because we moved, and had to start the whole evaluation process over again in Georgia. Unfortunatley, he has developed problems without his occupational therapy that bring tears to my eyes. He will literally tell me his skin is bleeding, when I wash his skin with a soft wash cloth, and I have to make great measures just to do it a certain way so he isn't uncomfortable. Some of this is due to his sensory issues which are more related to the Dyspraxia, but also work hand and hand with the Autism.
NOTE: I would also like to mention, when your child with Autism tells you something hurts, it probably doesn't, to an average person or child. BUT to YOUR autistic child, it might feel like nails on their skin. Telling them it doesn't hurt, and to stop whining is cruel, and emotionally abusive. You have to be understanding at all times that they feel and perceive differently from an average person. Saying things like this to a child with autism will make them shut down, and they will have a harder and harder time connecting with you. I am adding this note in, because I personally know someone who has said this to a child with autism... Please don't act that way... Be mature, patient and empathetic. Often if my child says it hurts when I bathe him, I give him the option to take the cloth and wash himself, or I try a softer cloth. It's hard though, and I understand, I have lost my cool many times, until I realized, the more I did this, the harder it was for him to calm down and communicate effectively with me. I mean if they are whining cause they want another cookie, that's one thing, and yeah, tell them to stop whining, but if it's an obvious sensory issue, that's different...
COMPARE THE HECK OUT OF YOUR CHILD! AND DON'T BE ASHAMED:
So just for a second, put yourself in the shoes of most mothers today who see things others do not. This happens a lot! You don't even have to be a mom of a child with special needs to know that! HA HA HA... Who have been told they are being negative, that they are looking for problems where there aren't any, that they need to stop comparing their children to other peoples kids, or worse that you are a being a competitive mother by friends. People will not understand WHY you are comparing because you are scared, frustrated or wonder why our child isn't doing what Suzy Q down the street is doing at 3 month younger than yours... it's a kind of cruel and unusual punishment no mother (or father) should have to go through who is ONLY looking out for her childs best interest. I know this probably happens to dads too, but from the people I have met and talked to, it just seems Mothers really get the shaft. If moms are too laid back about our kids development people judge us for not being better parents or that we are selfish, or if you are more proactive (or get too involved) you are a hover mother, that needs to chill out... It's frustrating how different the sexist game of life works. If a mom is concerned she's being neurotic, and dad is concerned, well then he's a great dad... I assure that if my ex spouse had been the one in concern for Bennys development, no one would have doubted him. And that's a pretty good assumption. But because I noticed, the neurotic mother, of course, I was just over analyzing the situation...NOTE: I would also like to mention, when your child with Autism tells you something hurts, it probably doesn't, to an average person or child. BUT to YOUR autistic child, it might feel like nails on their skin. Telling them it doesn't hurt, and to stop whining is cruel, and emotionally abusive. You have to be understanding at all times that they feel and perceive differently from an average person. Saying things like this to a child with autism will make them shut down, and they will have a harder and harder time connecting with you. I am adding this note in, because I personally know someone who has said this to a child with autism... Please don't act that way... Be mature, patient and empathetic. Often if my child says it hurts when I bathe him, I give him the option to take the cloth and wash himself, or I try a softer cloth. It's hard though, and I understand, I have lost my cool many times, until I realized, the more I did this, the harder it was for him to calm down and communicate effectively with me. I mean if they are whining cause they want another cookie, that's one thing, and yeah, tell them to stop whining, but if it's an obvious sensory issue, that's different...
COMPARE THE HECK OUT OF YOUR CHILD! AND DON'T BE ASHAMED:
However, my qualifications as a childcare facilitator are about 50 miles wide, I have worked with all kinds of children, in all kinds of settings for over 20 years, so it didn't take long for me to figure out, my child wasn't the average baby.
We are often told as parents NOT to compare our children to others, but if you see things that are odd, or off it's incredibly important to compare. So I am personally telling all you Mothers and fathers reading this right now (and future moms and dads) to PLEASE compare... Go for it! Compare the HECK our of your kid!!! And I will be proud to see it happen, especially if it means you wind up getting the help you need for your child to progress.
So once again this is my story, I hope you hang in there and read it to the end.
SIGNS OF ASD, WHAT I SAW:
SIGNS OF ASD, WHAT I SAW:
Let me first say this, and this is important. If you have met one kid with Autism, you have ONLY met ONE kid with Autism. There many levels on the spectrum. And not all high functioning cases are the same either. Like for my child, he is very loving and affectionate. When I was reading things about Autism, I would read stories or talk to people, or get information online that made me believe kids with Autism were all cold as stone and wanted nothing to do with being hugged or touched. I read things about them hating water and baths... Also it's noted kids with autism will have a hard time with transition, and he never did. He was also very interested in other kids, and would often try to talk to strangers. Which isn't usually for a kid with autism. I thought, "WOW that's not my kid! He can't have autism." But like I stated before, if you've met one kid with autism, you've only met ONE... They are all different, and that's because each person has a personality still... special needs or NOT, we are born with a personality... So if you are sweet and loving, special needs or not, you will be sweet and loving. I know people who aren't on the spectrum who are cold and detached, cause THAT'S their personality.
But at 16 months, I noticed he still was not calling me mama, or calling for his dad either. He would not look at us and say it, or looking at us and make the connection of who we were. When I addressed this with my pediatrician at 16 months she said he was still quite young, and to come back in a couple months if I felt the same concern. I couldn't wait, the lack of eye contact and other differences were screaming at me every time I would get together for a playdate... We would call his name over and over sometimes, and it was like he was deaf or something. One time a friend of mine asked if my child played by himself like that all the time... I looked over at him playing on his own, not very interested in what the other kids were doing at all, and said "yeah, pretty much..." And while it's nice to have a kid who can independently play, when it's more often than not, it should be of concern. Now let me also note, most kids at a young age (infant to toddler) still will only play side by side (this is called parallel play), but should still show interest in what other kids are carrying on about. If bobby picks up Toy A, than Suzy should also want to take an interest in Toy A... In other words, it sucks that kids FIGHT over toys, but while it sucks and we desperately want them to SHARE, it's also completely NORMAL. And you don't really want the kid who never fights back. My kid was always a push over, kids would take his toys and he really didn't give a crap!
One last thing that urged me to no end was how he would literally wake up in the morning and not call or cry for us, sometimes for an hour, till I would go in and check on him myself.. So at 17 months I brought him back. The fact that he would just sit in his crib in the morning and never call for me, and had no consistent eye contact was becoming more and more disturbing by the day. I did the questionnaire with the pediatrician at 17 months, and she referred me to EI based on my answers to the questions.
But at 16 months, I noticed he still was not calling me mama, or calling for his dad either. He would not look at us and say it, or looking at us and make the connection of who we were. When I addressed this with my pediatrician at 16 months she said he was still quite young, and to come back in a couple months if I felt the same concern. I couldn't wait, the lack of eye contact and other differences were screaming at me every time I would get together for a playdate... We would call his name over and over sometimes, and it was like he was deaf or something. One time a friend of mine asked if my child played by himself like that all the time... I looked over at him playing on his own, not very interested in what the other kids were doing at all, and said "yeah, pretty much..." And while it's nice to have a kid who can independently play, when it's more often than not, it should be of concern. Now let me also note, most kids at a young age (infant to toddler) still will only play side by side (this is called parallel play), but should still show interest in what other kids are carrying on about. If bobby picks up Toy A, than Suzy should also want to take an interest in Toy A... In other words, it sucks that kids FIGHT over toys, but while it sucks and we desperately want them to SHARE, it's also completely NORMAL. And you don't really want the kid who never fights back. My kid was always a push over, kids would take his toys and he really didn't give a crap!
One last thing that urged me to no end was how he would literally wake up in the morning and not call or cry for us, sometimes for an hour, till I would go in and check on him myself.. So at 17 months I brought him back. The fact that he would just sit in his crib in the morning and never call for me, and had no consistent eye contact was becoming more and more disturbing by the day. I did the questionnaire with the pediatrician at 17 months, and she referred me to EI based on my answers to the questions.
The things I noticed early on were awkward and delayed speech patterns, or progression of speech only to find him regress again. Regression of speech is a HUGE red flag. Repetitive noises that sounded like a foreign languages "ticka ticka ticka" or "Alaka alaka alaka", flapping his hands, toe walking, a decrease and lack of consistent eye contact, not turning his head when his name was called several times in a row, (to where we did get a hearing screening done, and passed), he would often line things up, very meticulous about how things would be arranged, his eating habits were not consistent, and he could not eat certain textures without throwing up, or gagging, and struggled significantly with transition from bottle to straw. It took us longer than usual to get him off the bottle, and realized regular sippy cups were out of the question because he consistently gagged and would throw up with them, finally suction straws seemed to be the key, but we had to gradually and mean gradually get him to regular straws. He would easily gag on his water, juice or milk and was a "stuffer" a kid who puts too much in his mouth at one time, and has no understanding when to stop stuffing food in his mouth, leaving him to often spit it all out. So even teaching him to eat was a challange, that through OT we got him to a better place. Through the help of occupational therapy we worked on a food lists to try, and got him to finally eat new textures and foods he fought against. Although his palet is still limited, Benny is less afraid of new foods, but still on occasion will spit up, or gag if something is too spicy or the texture is odd. More often than not he will simply spit it out, but the worst is when something is too "spicy" or an odd texture And when I say too spicy, it usually isn't really spicy at all, but he will really have a time catching his breath, and continuously gags. He is still at 4 years old and is still getting comfortable with an open cup.
He also would put a lot of non food items in his mouth. And still does. This is normal as a baby and up to a certain age. But when they are old enough to know, chomping down on crayons, sand, rocks, pencil points, erasers, etc... is not okay anymore. Even at four years old, crayons and play dough are not a safe choice unsupervised. My child will still put these things in his mouth, often he no longer will swallow them, but because of his sensory issues, will still feel the need to chew it up and spit it out.
He also would put a lot of non food items in his mouth. And still does. This is normal as a baby and up to a certain age. But when they are old enough to know, chomping down on crayons, sand, rocks, pencil points, erasers, etc... is not okay anymore. Even at four years old, crayons and play dough are not a safe choice unsupervised. My child will still put these things in his mouth, often he no longer will swallow them, but because of his sensory issues, will still feel the need to chew it up and spit it out.
Here are some common misconceptions about autism... And to reiterate Kids with autism are not affectionate, this isn't true, SOME aren't, but some can be very affectionate, mine surely is. When I read stories from other moms about the signs, and one being lack of affection, I said, well my son loves to snuggle... And LOVES to be tickled. But on that end he will not just give anyone a hug, and often doesn't like being forced to do so. So if he doesn't want to hug someone I do not push him to do it, because that will really hurt his ability and willingness in the future to show affection. The worse thing you can do to a kid with autism is force them under duress to do things before they are ready. They still need to be challenged, but the trick is making it fun, working it into the way they think and process things, and making it less intimidating. They must learn in a different way, explore in a different way, and learn to become comfortable with things they are afraid of.
UNDERSTANDING YOUR CHILDS MIND, LEARNING THEIR LANGUAGE, MORE EXAMPLES, AND DYSPRAXIA:
UNDERSTANDING YOUR CHILDS MIND, LEARNING THEIR LANGUAGE, MORE EXAMPLES, AND DYSPRAXIA:
The way the mind of a child with autism basically works from my understanding is that it just works differently, and has to be trained in a way that they understand and perceive the way an average mind does, and because of this, there are social and sensory issues to keep in mind all the time. My son still hates when things go over or on his head, except warm hats, but he still gets upset when something gets stuck, like a shirt that's too tight, or a mask. He's fine with face paint, but doesn't want anything ON his face, and will become panicked, like a halloween mask, or if a turtle neck got stuck going on or off... he's okay with sunglasses for a while thankfully... but it's really only cause he DOES make the correlation that the sun can hinder his ability to see, and the glasses help, just like the necessity of a winter hat, but he will not wear a ball cap, because this is just not needed, and stays on his head for seconds. We are lucky he understands these concepts so clearly and that he is extremely intelligent. So I guess I can be happy my child is practical, but things that do NOT need to go on his head or face do not stay on, or are met with anxiety and fear. This is a sensory issue, and could also be attributed to his second diagnoses which is called Dyspraxia.
Dyspraxia is another neurological condition that not very many people know much about or understand. There are organizations with information about it to provide a better understanding of what it is, and how it can affect things. Bens Dyspraxia affected his speech essentially, but reaches to other areas of his development. It's a kind of hinderance in motor planning, that can effect kids and people in different ways. From being able to tie your shoe laces to climbing a ladder, to wording sentences correctly, or being able to find and formulate sounds. There are many kinds of Dyspraxia just like Autism. What is Dyspraxia? http://ncld.org/types-learning-disabilities/dyspraxia/what-is-dyspraxia
I've even had some of Bennys Occupational therapists tell me, they feel his issues are probably stemmed more from the Dyspraxia then the Autism. But from what I have seen, I feel the two work together. I've seen him get half way up a ladder, only to fear or feel uncertain of the top, and come back down. This is the dyspraxia, which essentially messes up his spacial perception, and establishing spacial relationships. He has to familiarize and become comfortable with the object and it's place to his. Everyday can be a little different, some days he will want to climb high, others not at all. Some of this is also exposure to the equipment, the more he does it, the more he is familiar with it in space, and his perception is more comfortable with it, (which is normal and is on some level like this for most children, but generally kids that are 2 years his junior). So he feels less afraid of it. He was like this as young as 15 months when I would take him to Gymboree, he would literally walk side step between the cushioned matts just to move around... Taking him a lot was a great thing, because it really helped him loosen up with his movement on equipment. Even so, if a child pushed him off something, he never forget it, and those are the kinds of things that are the hardest for me, because I know instances like that scar him, and make his resistance to trying challenging play equipment just about impossible... It's why he loves a big huge field of grass he can run through, there are no obstacles, no one to trip him, or push him, or get in the way. In fact running is one of his favorite things.
Other things are the autism, for example, a familiar restaurant. We've been to the same one now 3 times. The first time we went we sat in the back of the restaurant in a booth. So when we went the second time, my son picked out the exact same booth for us to sit in. And when we went the 3rd time, they tried to seat us in a regular table with chairs, and THAT was out of the question for him, and he ran to the closest available booth, that looked like the one we had sat in prior. So familiar can be comforting. Not always a necessity at times, but can be helpful in comforting and controlling a tantrum. Thankfully my child has always been good with or without a set routine. Although I think routine is very very important in those early years. We are lucky he's always been very adaptive, which is also something not usual for a child with Autism, which was another reason I wasn't sure about whether or not it was. He was always so easy going from day to day. And that could be because I would often take him to a different activity everyday from toddler to now. He was exposed to many places, people and things on a weekly basis. We had some consistent activities, and a very consistent bedtime (evening routine) but he wasn't in a school or daycare everyday, and I am so thankful for that. I will say this. Routine for any child is important. But that's in a another blog I wrote a while back.
Another example of what is the autism is if one day he's completely fine with something, the next day he is afraid of it. Example two, this happened very recently, he was very fascinated, almost to an unusual level watching the water go down the drain, and used to have no problem with the faucet being on while he was in the bath. The other day for what seems like no good reason, he started flipping out that the faucet was on. I had no idea, but took him out of the bath, talked to him calmly and asked if it was scary to him. He said yes, and asked me to turn off the water. I did and he was able to resume his bath as usual, but refused to be in the bath when the water went down the drain, claiming that suddenly that too is scary to him. Why the sudden change? These are the harder questions I have no answers to, other than something happened with his perception and conception of the water filling the tub and being drained from it.
Another example of what is the autism is if one day he's completely fine with something, the next day he is afraid of it. Example two, this happened very recently, he was very fascinated, almost to an unusual level watching the water go down the drain, and used to have no problem with the faucet being on while he was in the bath. The other day for what seems like no good reason, he started flipping out that the faucet was on. I had no idea, but took him out of the bath, talked to him calmly and asked if it was scary to him. He said yes, and asked me to turn off the water. I did and he was able to resume his bath as usual, but refused to be in the bath when the water went down the drain, claiming that suddenly that too is scary to him. Why the sudden change? These are the harder questions I have no answers to, other than something happened with his perception and conception of the water filling the tub and being drained from it.
Autistic kids also tend to be smarter or talented in selective areas, more than just all around average at everything. He remembers things even I don't remember at times, or can see details no one else would notice. At 2 he knew his colors, shapes, and most of his ABC's, and all the planets in our solar system. So autism isn't a lack of intelligence. And when I started telling people about his diagnosys, they would say it wasn't possible, cause he was so smart. But lack of intelligence isn't a sign of autism... In fact kids with autism can be oddly smart, or even extra smart in certain areas.
There are so many levels on the spectrum, and lets say you met a child on the same level as my child, THAT child might not have any problems climbing elaborate gym equipment where as mine does... THAT child might love wearing sweat pants, where as my child will clearly tell me "I don't like those pants" which means he doesn't like that style of pant or the way it feels. Some kids with autism will not hug or love, or even smile, or hate to be tickled, my child loves to hug on me, snuggle, laugh and smiles all the time, and absolutely cannot get enough of being tickled. But I attribute some of this to the therapies he has gotten, that have helped him in his sensory issues. Getting help from professionals helps your child to work through their mental blocks, and helps a mind that thinks and perceives differently to operate in its own way so that they can still do things other kids do, but in their own style of thinking. At least that's my understanding.
I will sporadically even now find my child likes to rock back and forth, he still likes to get up in children's faces. He has a hard time thinking for himself in class, and what I mean by that is not following the leader. The first couple weeks he was doing great, perfectly behaved, but started to misbehave based on how kids were to him, what he was seeing, and thinking probably to himself (well they are doing it so it's OKAY). Thankfully because we've worked so hard on his speech and conception, he is able to understand me clearly when I explain why we don't shake the fish bowl and school, why we don't hit our friends. The hardest one right now is helping him understand that if he is hit or hurt by a friend that he needs to go to a teacher first, instead of his gut reaction which is to hit back. This is not just ASD stuff, this is normal kid stuff too.. But he will also have a hard time understanding kids don't like him getting up in there faces, he doesn't understand personal space, and often on the playground with children he doesn't know he gets over zealous and will grab at them, mimic their words, and the kids will flat out tell him to go away. It's hard to watch, and harder yet not be a hover mother, because he does have to learn on his own too. But often I will have to gently pull him aside and explain that Joe A doesn't like what he is doing, explain why it's he needs to stop a certain behavior. There are good books that can help you communicate better so your child with ASD will grasp what you are saying to them, and word it in a way that they will absorb.
Benny still has a hard time with eye contact depending on the situation, and the concept of smiling is an odd one. But is doing so much better. When I would take him home from school, he would never say good bye to his teachers and give them eye contact. But I would gently remind him to say goodbye and to look at the teachers cause they liked to see his eyes. For photos he will SAY "cheese" but not always link it with the smile, he'll just say the word cheese for the photo without smiling. So now I smile and say, "Hey Benny do this" or say "Do this with your mouth" and point to my mouth. Which he understands perfectly.
Other funny concepts out there are harder to explain. Like "magic", I still laugh explaining this one to my son. He was watching some cartoon with a glowing enchanted sword. He said "why is the sword glowing?" I said, because it's magical. "What's magical mean," me "Well it's when something isn't normal anymore." Him "what's normal mean?" Me "Well normal is what it's supposed to be, like my hair is brown right? " him "right", but if I snapped my fingers and turned it purple then that would NOT be normal. It would be magic." He completely understood. These kinds of basic explanations can be applied to loads of conceptual misunderstandings and confusion.
POTTY TRAINING WOES:
Potty training has also been a major challenge, for boys (I have heard, although I don't completely buy it) it's harder to potty train. This has a lot to do with their "man stuff" which is what I called it when he was smaller. I starting trying to potty train at the normal 2-2 1/2 marker. In retrospect I kinda wish I had waited... So I guess I could say don't rush it, but don't wait forever either. Just wait for cues... You DO have to introduce it, the key is making it fun, which was my mistake, it wasn't all that fun for him, so I had to find ways to get it be fun... I'm not a perfect mom, my temper and limits would get the better of me when he was crap right on the carpet... Or make a nice poop streak down the stairs. RIGHT after we had sat on the potty for five minutes... I as and am always learning too. It took me time to realize that showing my anger was detrimental to his development. Finally one day he flooded the bathroom and while I was scolding him he got nervous and started to pee on the floor. So Instead of getting upset that he was peeing on the floor, I showed excitement, and said, "OH HEY! LOOK You're peeing!!! And opened the potty and let him finish in the potty. Finally the connection in his brain was made. It was extra challenging because we didn't have his dad around to really help on a daily basis and show him how to do it. He is finally very good at going on his own, but it's been a lot of frustration and tears for both of us. The pooping has been an extra double challenge. Because of his delays, and being a child, he will often get distracted during play, and forget to go on his own, or tell a teacher he has to go. I cannot tell you how many poop stains I've had to clean up over the years, but it's worth it, and you can't give up. The biggest hurtle was when he went to a more mainstream school. They helped exponentially, and by working together with the teachers, we got him 90% potty trained. They basically told me what I knew. pull ups are your worst enemy. To them it's still a diaper, it looks like one and feels like one.
I really explored all avenues of getting him to go on the potty. Every tactic in the book, and from other parents with children with ASD. One thing that was fun that we used to have were"potty parties" (no pants no undies) and would make cupcakes, and do activities in the kitchen so if he did mess up it was easier to clean, and have periodical potty trips with candy and books. This method is really the best, going cold turkey is effective for ANY child, not just kids with ASD. With no pants or undies, they can really get the full sensory impact. No matter how frustrating it is to clean up the pee and poop, keep it up. They will eventually get tired of having pee and poop on themselves, and being cleaned up. Every time my child had a poop accident now, he detests being cleaned up. So I tell him in simple terms, "well if you don't like it, you have to poop in the potty instead." So yes, at four years old Benny will still poop himself, I want to cry every time cause I feel like a failure. Then I meet the mom whose kid is six and still poops himself and I don't feel so bad.
As of now Benny still sleeps in a pull up and for long trips I will usually put one on just in case, but when we go out to the store, he's very good at telling me. The only time we have accidents in public is generally when he's not listening, knows I'm upset, and then pees, or if I am on the phone and he knows he doesn't have my attention, he will do it to get attention. There was even a time he started peeing deliberately on things to get back at me. Like if I went out with a friend he would pee on my bed. Every child with ASD is different, and responds to different forms of punishment better than others, I hate to say it's trial and error, but it is... And you will not always choose the best methods, but we are only human, and you just have to gage what works for situations like this.
DISCIPLINE:
For an instance like time outs didn't work, we tried them several hundred times, it involved one of literally holding him down while he was kicking and screaming... This seemed harsh to me. The only thing that was effective was a quick spanking. Now before you judge, please know that before we had my child, we never wanted to do spankings, but when I realized nothing was working, and the struggle of time outs seemed more painstaking than helpful, the pain of a quick spanking made an imprint in his mind. And it stopped some terrible behavior that I am so happy I never have to deal with again because of one little pop on the butt. I don't advocate spanking, I think if there is another road to take, take it... We really tried every method we could think of before resorting to it. But we don't have to do it now much at all. Which is wonderful. I give him warnings, and he does a good job of listening. We do the very occasional "Time out" but he just doesn't sit, and most kids autism won't. I also tried the "ignoring" tactic, this also did nothing, and then he would get worse if I ignored him when he was acting out, and he would act out more, breaking things, peeing on things... Thankfully last year I barely had to pull the spanking card anymore, and this has continued into now, and I only use it in extreme cases where I feel he's putting himself at risk. A lot of people steer clear of all spanking because some view it as abusive. Which I understand. For a person with anger problems, it could become abusive, so you do have to just check yourself. One firm spanking on the bottom only. NO more. What's more abusive? Having to forcefully hold your child down while he's having a complete meltdown and screaming their heads off and kicking you, or giving your child 3 warnings to change his/her behavior, than calmly explaining why they are getting a spanking and quickly administering it? Sadly for a child on the lower end of autism, spanking probably will not work, especially if they don't understand why they are getting one. So please talk to your therapists about it before making the choice to use spankings. What we mostly do now are "Stop and thinks" I learned this tactic from the school I currently work at. When I feel my child is out of control, I tell him he needs to stop and think about what he is doing. As he gets older and understands more, this is becoming an easier method of getting him to make the right choices. It's nice not feeling that spanking is the only thing that will help. As they get older and are able to comprehend and understand more, these methods are more effective. Time Out still do not work for him, he doesn't get the idea or really the understanding of WHY he's being forced to sit still. They do nothing, and do not work for us. Every child ASD or ADD or just your average child will have a different method of discipline they respond to better. And unfortunately you have to go through them to figure out what will work.
I am glad we never had to always resort to trying time outs and or spankings. Some situations just never call for it. I remember a time when Benny used to throw. Oh it was pretty rough. He would pop me in the back of the head whiles driving with a toy or cup... I had to then start taking away all objects on car trips. Which sucked cause I knew he sometimes needed a drink or a snack, but nothing was safe. We would try to give him something he COULD throw when this would happen. Like a soft ball or stuffed animal. This kinda just enforced more throwing... SO, at home what we started doing was we made a throw box. Every toy he would throw went in the box. We would show him the toy and tell him it was going in the box, and put it up. This was pretty effective. What started happening was eventually nice toys were getting thrown and broken. The box just became a place he knew of, but wasn't being reminded nor shown the consequences of his actions. He had a hard time relating that the throwing was actually damaging his loved toys. One day he threw a kinda pricey space shuttle I bought him. It busted into a couple pieces. I did fix it, and showed him I was able to, but then after I told him he wasn't allowed to play with his shuttle cause he hurt him. So I placed the shuttle on a high shelf, he was able to SEE the shuttle on the shelf everyday for a week. Every time he asked to play with it, I calmly explained what happened. I would say "do you remember why you can't play with him this week?" And after A few days of ME telling him why, HE started to tell me he threw it, and hurt it. Finally making the connection. We still do this now. He barely ever throws, it's super rare, but if he does hit throw or break a toy, we tell him we have to take it away for a while till he's ready to play with it again, and will often place it somewhere he can see it.
I will say, the MOST effective tool for my child is staying calm. At all costs... THIS is hard because again, we are human, things get on our nerves. But I have learned through so much trial and error, Benny needs calm voices, and reassurance. Hugs are my weapon of choice, because often when he is flipping out and having a tantrum, he is going wild because he doesn't know how to express his feelings correctly. I stop him, and give him a hug first now when a tantrum begins, and ask him calmly what is going on, what is he feeling, I ask if he's feeling scared, and often he is. He is scared of unknown things, and I will explain to him there's no need to be afraid. The hugs provide something for him that nothing else does, security and also the squeeze of a hug gives him sensory input. There are times I have to be stern, and tough, but I generally go with hugs and try to understand his outburst first.
YES IT'S HARD WORK, DON'T GIVE UP:
There are so many levels on the spectrum, and lets say you met a child on the same level as my child, THAT child might not have any problems climbing elaborate gym equipment where as mine does... THAT child might love wearing sweat pants, where as my child will clearly tell me "I don't like those pants" which means he doesn't like that style of pant or the way it feels. Some kids with autism will not hug or love, or even smile, or hate to be tickled, my child loves to hug on me, snuggle, laugh and smiles all the time, and absolutely cannot get enough of being tickled. But I attribute some of this to the therapies he has gotten, that have helped him in his sensory issues. Getting help from professionals helps your child to work through their mental blocks, and helps a mind that thinks and perceives differently to operate in its own way so that they can still do things other kids do, but in their own style of thinking. At least that's my understanding.
I will sporadically even now find my child likes to rock back and forth, he still likes to get up in children's faces. He has a hard time thinking for himself in class, and what I mean by that is not following the leader. The first couple weeks he was doing great, perfectly behaved, but started to misbehave based on how kids were to him, what he was seeing, and thinking probably to himself (well they are doing it so it's OKAY). Thankfully because we've worked so hard on his speech and conception, he is able to understand me clearly when I explain why we don't shake the fish bowl and school, why we don't hit our friends. The hardest one right now is helping him understand that if he is hit or hurt by a friend that he needs to go to a teacher first, instead of his gut reaction which is to hit back. This is not just ASD stuff, this is normal kid stuff too.. But he will also have a hard time understanding kids don't like him getting up in there faces, he doesn't understand personal space, and often on the playground with children he doesn't know he gets over zealous and will grab at them, mimic their words, and the kids will flat out tell him to go away. It's hard to watch, and harder yet not be a hover mother, because he does have to learn on his own too. But often I will have to gently pull him aside and explain that Joe A doesn't like what he is doing, explain why it's he needs to stop a certain behavior. There are good books that can help you communicate better so your child with ASD will grasp what you are saying to them, and word it in a way that they will absorb.
Benny still has a hard time with eye contact depending on the situation, and the concept of smiling is an odd one. But is doing so much better. When I would take him home from school, he would never say good bye to his teachers and give them eye contact. But I would gently remind him to say goodbye and to look at the teachers cause they liked to see his eyes. For photos he will SAY "cheese" but not always link it with the smile, he'll just say the word cheese for the photo without smiling. So now I smile and say, "Hey Benny do this" or say "Do this with your mouth" and point to my mouth. Which he understands perfectly.
Other funny concepts out there are harder to explain. Like "magic", I still laugh explaining this one to my son. He was watching some cartoon with a glowing enchanted sword. He said "why is the sword glowing?" I said, because it's magical. "What's magical mean," me "Well it's when something isn't normal anymore." Him "what's normal mean?" Me "Well normal is what it's supposed to be, like my hair is brown right? " him "right", but if I snapped my fingers and turned it purple then that would NOT be normal. It would be magic." He completely understood. These kinds of basic explanations can be applied to loads of conceptual misunderstandings and confusion.
POTTY TRAINING WOES:
Potty training has also been a major challenge, for boys (I have heard, although I don't completely buy it) it's harder to potty train. This has a lot to do with their "man stuff" which is what I called it when he was smaller. I starting trying to potty train at the normal 2-2 1/2 marker. In retrospect I kinda wish I had waited... So I guess I could say don't rush it, but don't wait forever either. Just wait for cues... You DO have to introduce it, the key is making it fun, which was my mistake, it wasn't all that fun for him, so I had to find ways to get it be fun... I'm not a perfect mom, my temper and limits would get the better of me when he was crap right on the carpet... Or make a nice poop streak down the stairs. RIGHT after we had sat on the potty for five minutes... I as and am always learning too. It took me time to realize that showing my anger was detrimental to his development. Finally one day he flooded the bathroom and while I was scolding him he got nervous and started to pee on the floor. So Instead of getting upset that he was peeing on the floor, I showed excitement, and said, "OH HEY! LOOK You're peeing!!! And opened the potty and let him finish in the potty. Finally the connection in his brain was made. It was extra challenging because we didn't have his dad around to really help on a daily basis and show him how to do it. He is finally very good at going on his own, but it's been a lot of frustration and tears for both of us. The pooping has been an extra double challenge. Because of his delays, and being a child, he will often get distracted during play, and forget to go on his own, or tell a teacher he has to go. I cannot tell you how many poop stains I've had to clean up over the years, but it's worth it, and you can't give up. The biggest hurtle was when he went to a more mainstream school. They helped exponentially, and by working together with the teachers, we got him 90% potty trained. They basically told me what I knew. pull ups are your worst enemy. To them it's still a diaper, it looks like one and feels like one.
I really explored all avenues of getting him to go on the potty. Every tactic in the book, and from other parents with children with ASD. One thing that was fun that we used to have were"potty parties" (no pants no undies) and would make cupcakes, and do activities in the kitchen so if he did mess up it was easier to clean, and have periodical potty trips with candy and books. This method is really the best, going cold turkey is effective for ANY child, not just kids with ASD. With no pants or undies, they can really get the full sensory impact. No matter how frustrating it is to clean up the pee and poop, keep it up. They will eventually get tired of having pee and poop on themselves, and being cleaned up. Every time my child had a poop accident now, he detests being cleaned up. So I tell him in simple terms, "well if you don't like it, you have to poop in the potty instead." So yes, at four years old Benny will still poop himself, I want to cry every time cause I feel like a failure. Then I meet the mom whose kid is six and still poops himself and I don't feel so bad.
As of now Benny still sleeps in a pull up and for long trips I will usually put one on just in case, but when we go out to the store, he's very good at telling me. The only time we have accidents in public is generally when he's not listening, knows I'm upset, and then pees, or if I am on the phone and he knows he doesn't have my attention, he will do it to get attention. There was even a time he started peeing deliberately on things to get back at me. Like if I went out with a friend he would pee on my bed. Every child with ASD is different, and responds to different forms of punishment better than others, I hate to say it's trial and error, but it is... And you will not always choose the best methods, but we are only human, and you just have to gage what works for situations like this.
DISCIPLINE:
For an instance like time outs didn't work, we tried them several hundred times, it involved one of literally holding him down while he was kicking and screaming... This seemed harsh to me. The only thing that was effective was a quick spanking. Now before you judge, please know that before we had my child, we never wanted to do spankings, but when I realized nothing was working, and the struggle of time outs seemed more painstaking than helpful, the pain of a quick spanking made an imprint in his mind. And it stopped some terrible behavior that I am so happy I never have to deal with again because of one little pop on the butt. I don't advocate spanking, I think if there is another road to take, take it... We really tried every method we could think of before resorting to it. But we don't have to do it now much at all. Which is wonderful. I give him warnings, and he does a good job of listening. We do the very occasional "Time out" but he just doesn't sit, and most kids autism won't. I also tried the "ignoring" tactic, this also did nothing, and then he would get worse if I ignored him when he was acting out, and he would act out more, breaking things, peeing on things... Thankfully last year I barely had to pull the spanking card anymore, and this has continued into now, and I only use it in extreme cases where I feel he's putting himself at risk. A lot of people steer clear of all spanking because some view it as abusive. Which I understand. For a person with anger problems, it could become abusive, so you do have to just check yourself. One firm spanking on the bottom only. NO more. What's more abusive? Having to forcefully hold your child down while he's having a complete meltdown and screaming their heads off and kicking you, or giving your child 3 warnings to change his/her behavior, than calmly explaining why they are getting a spanking and quickly administering it? Sadly for a child on the lower end of autism, spanking probably will not work, especially if they don't understand why they are getting one. So please talk to your therapists about it before making the choice to use spankings. What we mostly do now are "Stop and thinks" I learned this tactic from the school I currently work at. When I feel my child is out of control, I tell him he needs to stop and think about what he is doing. As he gets older and understands more, this is becoming an easier method of getting him to make the right choices. It's nice not feeling that spanking is the only thing that will help. As they get older and are able to comprehend and understand more, these methods are more effective. Time Out still do not work for him, he doesn't get the idea or really the understanding of WHY he's being forced to sit still. They do nothing, and do not work for us. Every child ASD or ADD or just your average child will have a different method of discipline they respond to better. And unfortunately you have to go through them to figure out what will work.
I am glad we never had to always resort to trying time outs and or spankings. Some situations just never call for it. I remember a time when Benny used to throw. Oh it was pretty rough. He would pop me in the back of the head whiles driving with a toy or cup... I had to then start taking away all objects on car trips. Which sucked cause I knew he sometimes needed a drink or a snack, but nothing was safe. We would try to give him something he COULD throw when this would happen. Like a soft ball or stuffed animal. This kinda just enforced more throwing... SO, at home what we started doing was we made a throw box. Every toy he would throw went in the box. We would show him the toy and tell him it was going in the box, and put it up. This was pretty effective. What started happening was eventually nice toys were getting thrown and broken. The box just became a place he knew of, but wasn't being reminded nor shown the consequences of his actions. He had a hard time relating that the throwing was actually damaging his loved toys. One day he threw a kinda pricey space shuttle I bought him. It busted into a couple pieces. I did fix it, and showed him I was able to, but then after I told him he wasn't allowed to play with his shuttle cause he hurt him. So I placed the shuttle on a high shelf, he was able to SEE the shuttle on the shelf everyday for a week. Every time he asked to play with it, I calmly explained what happened. I would say "do you remember why you can't play with him this week?" And after A few days of ME telling him why, HE started to tell me he threw it, and hurt it. Finally making the connection. We still do this now. He barely ever throws, it's super rare, but if he does hit throw or break a toy, we tell him we have to take it away for a while till he's ready to play with it again, and will often place it somewhere he can see it.
I will say, the MOST effective tool for my child is staying calm. At all costs... THIS is hard because again, we are human, things get on our nerves. But I have learned through so much trial and error, Benny needs calm voices, and reassurance. Hugs are my weapon of choice, because often when he is flipping out and having a tantrum, he is going wild because he doesn't know how to express his feelings correctly. I stop him, and give him a hug first now when a tantrum begins, and ask him calmly what is going on, what is he feeling, I ask if he's feeling scared, and often he is. He is scared of unknown things, and I will explain to him there's no need to be afraid. The hugs provide something for him that nothing else does, security and also the squeeze of a hug gives him sensory input. There are times I have to be stern, and tough, but I generally go with hugs and try to understand his outburst first.
YES IT'S HARD WORK, DON'T GIVE UP:
I have tried many times to explain this to my own parents, who are amazingly supportive, and are starting to understand that when he doesn't want to hug them it's not personal. But lately, because we don't force him, he has started doing it on his own! He will hug them when he wants to, climb in a lap when he feels okay and comfortable enough to do that, or give them a high five. He will often scream for no good reason when my parents walk in the room, and it's not cause he hates them, its cause he wants his mommy time, and wants to be with just me, or just wants to be alone. He is still trying to find better ways to say, I want to be alone with my mommy. Or verbally express insecurity. Recently he has become afraid of things he used to be completely fine with. Where once he loved all bugs, now the thought of them scares him to death. Not a clue why... And where he once LOVED a bubble bath, now he cries if he sees bubbles in the tub. He also used to LOVE to watch the water go down the drain, now he is petrified of it. I work hard to stay calm with him. It's the most effective tool.
Being a stay at home mom with a child of special needs for 3 years meant very little staying home. It was a job all in itself... I was busily taking him to evaluations, therapies, meeting with therapists, getting evaluations, taking him to classes to help him through his social awkwardness, or help him overcome fears of heights, getting him very active, and out was crucial.
I want parents to know, the road to recognition, isn't an easy one, but is a road I would go down every single time the same, because I did one thing right by my child. There is nothing wrong with Benny. And I've never said that, I've only ever said he is different. He thinks differently, he operates differently. But he still for the most part is a very average 4 year old boy, who wants what we ALL want, to be included in the fun, to be able to do things other people can do. I know a few moms now in my shoes, it's a nice feeling to have emotional understanding and support even though I wish they didn't have to go through it too, but by knowing them I don't feel so isolated and alone with all the work it takes. I also realize often how good I have it, Benny is so good with his teachers, and people who are willing to work with him, because I had the training how to work with children, and the support of peers and therapists, and the luxury of being a stay at home mom for the first three years of his life.
Special needs kids will NOT be able to process and accomplish things they never have any special training or schooling, or understanding for. Just like a average brain, we need education, and training to learn things. Kids with special needs, need it too for socializing, talking, eating, things that would come more naturally to us, doesn't come so easily to everyone... The brain has to be aided to work through those challenges or it cannot excel. That's if you are special needs or NOT, if you don't work and study math, guess what? You won't be able to that either.
As of now, my child just recently was evaluated in many areas of his development, and is still falling into the autism level. It is hard some days, I notice the lack of eye contact with people he doesn't know, peers, the way he does or doesn't interact with peers. The social awkwardness is still there, but what I do see is a sincere WANT to be part of the fun, and a sincere effort to talk and communicate and socialize, and because I did what I did, he is doing fantastically! But when he pulls hair or shakes the animal in the cage, we talk about it at home. I don't threaten to punish him, I talk to him normally, and ask how he would feel if a friend pulled his hair. Or what if I shook him in a cage. I tell him in simple terms that help him relate, that he will understand, to help him empathize, and it is very effective. I am so happy I was also very picky about his education, and finally got him in a school that enforces socialization and playtime into his routine.
My son loves to draw, and create, he is fascinated with planets and weather, and human anatomy and can even show you where the bronchial tubes are on a diagram a human lung, and can differentiate between the arteries and veins... He's truly brilliant, and his teachers have even told me how smart he is. As have his therapist and his team at his latest IEP meeting couldn't believe how well he did with all the questions they asked him. They told me they asked more and more questions and he just took it like a champ. They said most kids get fed up. Benny didn't.. He also scored above average in his speech! SO his vocabulary is better than most kids his age. He has so much potential in this world. And I have no doubt he's gonna be better than fine... And it's because we all have worked so much with him in his trouble areas, and still continue to do so.
He always wants to learn, and always asks what things mean, and what those words mean, which is all very normal four year old, and that makes me feel awesome. He is so expressive, and funny. More often than not he is a perfect little angel, and holds my hand the whole time we are out, helps me shop for things at the store, will put the clothes in the washer, and so much more. I sincerely LOVE spending time with my child. He is the best part of my life, and I am grateful to be his mother. So many people in our family rave about what amazingly well behaved child I have. It makes me want to cry with happiness, because we have had some hard days. But he really is a great child. I cannot say enough good things about him. He loves to be around other children, wants to play with them, and will invite them to play with him, even when THEY ignore him. He is proud of his art, and the work he makes. He is very social now, and I have to say some of that comes from the fact that he has a good example of a very extroverted person, me. He clearly sees I am not afraid to talk to people, and takes a cue from it. He really enjoys playing. I have never seen a child who just LOVES to play as much as my child loves to play. He has so many good qualities the list goes on forever. He absolutely loves to be read to, and again, I started reading to him when he was just an infant. That love of books and literature lives on, and we religiously read every single night. He also loves TV, and shows, and relates what he sees to his life, and I think it's marvelous how he does this. He has made amazing progress in his life, and still tries and tries to get past his challenges. Strangers will tell me they've never seen a happier child. He is a brave little man. And I love him.
I cannot quite explain the range of emotions I had when we sat down with the therapists and they diagnosed him with autism. You go through denial, depression, insecurity that it was something you did, or maybe it was something in utero, you blame yourself... But no one is to blame, and no one knows the cause of it. But you mostly get scared. Not because of how it will effect your life, but how it will effect your childs. And it's funny to me now, that I felt all those things, cause now it's just the normal. When I tell people he's special needs or high functioning autistic, they look at me with apologetic eyes, and say how sorry they are. I tell them it's okay, cause really it IS OK... Because I know what's going on, NOW life goes on. The less you know the harder it is. The more you know, the better things can be.
If you have any questions about what you just read, or would like more detail, please feel free to message me and reach out.
My son loves to draw, and create, he is fascinated with planets and weather, and human anatomy and can even show you where the bronchial tubes are on a diagram a human lung, and can differentiate between the arteries and veins... He's truly brilliant, and his teachers have even told me how smart he is. As have his therapist and his team at his latest IEP meeting couldn't believe how well he did with all the questions they asked him. They told me they asked more and more questions and he just took it like a champ. They said most kids get fed up. Benny didn't.. He also scored above average in his speech! SO his vocabulary is better than most kids his age. He has so much potential in this world. And I have no doubt he's gonna be better than fine... And it's because we all have worked so much with him in his trouble areas, and still continue to do so.
He always wants to learn, and always asks what things mean, and what those words mean, which is all very normal four year old, and that makes me feel awesome. He is so expressive, and funny. More often than not he is a perfect little angel, and holds my hand the whole time we are out, helps me shop for things at the store, will put the clothes in the washer, and so much more. I sincerely LOVE spending time with my child. He is the best part of my life, and I am grateful to be his mother. So many people in our family rave about what amazingly well behaved child I have. It makes me want to cry with happiness, because we have had some hard days. But he really is a great child. I cannot say enough good things about him. He loves to be around other children, wants to play with them, and will invite them to play with him, even when THEY ignore him. He is proud of his art, and the work he makes. He is very social now, and I have to say some of that comes from the fact that he has a good example of a very extroverted person, me. He clearly sees I am not afraid to talk to people, and takes a cue from it. He really enjoys playing. I have never seen a child who just LOVES to play as much as my child loves to play. He has so many good qualities the list goes on forever. He absolutely loves to be read to, and again, I started reading to him when he was just an infant. That love of books and literature lives on, and we religiously read every single night. He also loves TV, and shows, and relates what he sees to his life, and I think it's marvelous how he does this. He has made amazing progress in his life, and still tries and tries to get past his challenges. Strangers will tell me they've never seen a happier child. He is a brave little man. And I love him.
I cannot quite explain the range of emotions I had when we sat down with the therapists and they diagnosed him with autism. You go through denial, depression, insecurity that it was something you did, or maybe it was something in utero, you blame yourself... But no one is to blame, and no one knows the cause of it. But you mostly get scared. Not because of how it will effect your life, but how it will effect your childs. And it's funny to me now, that I felt all those things, cause now it's just the normal. When I tell people he's special needs or high functioning autistic, they look at me with apologetic eyes, and say how sorry they are. I tell them it's okay, cause really it IS OK... Because I know what's going on, NOW life goes on. The less you know the harder it is. The more you know, the better things can be.
If you have any questions about what you just read, or would like more detail, please feel free to message me and reach out.
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